Beauty tip #4 - Threading

This is an actual traditional Indian beauty practice for removing body hair, and not one of my made-up beauty tips. It has several advantages over other methods of hair removal like waxing and tweezing in that it is 1) fast, 2) cheap, and 3) even more painful. Fun! No amount of Bonjela can ever prevent or relieve this particular burning stinging pain. And speaking of burning stinging pain, there's that other traditional Indian beauty tip, the madras curry. For.. slimming and cleansing..?

Hair do's and hair don'ts. Or, beauty tip #4

I had my hair coloured and styled the other day and I just love it! My hairdresser is brilliant and the shampoo girl does the best head massages ever, it's such a treat. You know, because I'm worth it and shit. The photo you see here was taken today, the third day after doing the 'do. The last time I went to the hairdresser I foolishly tried to preserve the style for the whole greasy week, so enamoured was I.

I have since learned that there is a three-sleep maximum for hair-do preservation. Just three short days and then it's time to lather, rinse and repeat. Trust me on this. I'm doing the research so you don't have to! Because you're welcome.

Beauty tip #3: Sleep

This is a beauty tip that I have actually tried. Go to bed and get about 8 hours sleep. When you wake up everything will be a-ok again: the bags under your eyes will be gone, you'll be fresh and alert, and that lecture/ job/ wedding you just slept through was probably not that interesting anyway.

Beauty tip #2: Beer!

Apply beer liberally to your hair for extra shine! If you're not too drunk, remember to rinse thoroughly. Beer also makes you more attractive when it is consumed by another person. (This is possibly the only known beauty tip that works best when someone else does it.) A bottle of beer can be an appropriate and delicious accessory at parties, and later, in photos of you at parties on your Facebook profile ("Look at me! I'm drinking a beer! Wa-hey!")

Beauty tip #1 (of many): Guacamole-style invigorating face mask

Recipe:

2 avocados (mash with fork)
Chopped fresh coriander (a couple of pinches)
Minced or chopped hot green jalapeno chili (seeded)
Juice of 1 lime
Salt and pepper

Combine all ingredients and voila!

(Thanks to Amy Sedaris for this recipe!)

Well I have never actually tried this as a face mask myself, but chilies are really good for invigorating the skin, I'm sure. So, what the hey! In the pursuit of beauty, ladies! Beauty is pain, ladies, beauty is pain. And sometimes it stings.

Apply to face or serve with corn chips.